My dear guardian angel... where is the door key?

Letter to my guardian angel,

Dear friend, is there any the possibility of taking a Guiness and chatting with me about my fears?

Fears? Yep, but do not tell anyone, please! Because as you know, everyone wears a mask, nobody accepts their weak side, so I need to be like everyone else, in fact I can not show the truth, as in the past, at my job interviews, I said that i love changes, from then I can not show my insecurities, my fears, because everyone needs to see that I am a strong woman and well resolved.

Angel, I'm so scared, all kinds of fears, fear of opening a Pandora's box, I'm afraid to find unhealed wounds, fear of losing, fear of the new, fear of not adapting, fear of realizing that I not matured, afraid to look in the mirror and see truths, fear of so many things ...

My angel this week will be decisive in choosing the right day and month of go back to Brazil .... the pertinent question that comes to my mind is: should i go back? (my child self asking me)

Can i not stay here in this fantasy land? can i not make the fantasy land a land of reality? : (

Why do I need to go back? Yes, I must go back, I need to work in my area, raise money, buy a house, a car, to have a date, get married and have children (my other self talking to me).

I am completely in love with this country, guardian angel...could you promise that in Brazil i can walk anywhere? could you promise that i will spend just 100 euros per month at the supermarket, could you promise I'll have my guinness on the weekend, couId i travel to Africa or Asia at the right price?

Can you promise I can solve my problems wich happened in Dublin, I can close the door on heartbreak and  return to Brazil with a clean heart? Promise me that I do not suffer from nostalgia for my dear Dublin?

Guardian angel, I'm scared, hold my hand? Say that everything will be okay? and i will not miss this country,  can you promise that one day I will return to this country, at least to visit?

Do you know if any pharmacy sells the pill to cure fears? Have you any recipe for it?

When will I know that you'll be by my side, guiding me? When will I know if that voice screaming in my consciousness, my mind is you talking to me or one of my selves screaming in fear. When will I know it is you who will be guiding me?

Please my angel, guide me, take my fears, show me the way ... I've tried talking to my 343534543 selves and they do not want to give me a guide for life! Angel... where is  the door key?

Carta para o meu anjo da guarda,

Querido anjo da guarda, existe a possibilidade de tomar uma guiness comigo e bater um papo sobre meus medos?

Medos? Sim, com todos os medos, mas por favor anjo, não diga a ninguém, pois como você já sabe, todo mundo usa uma mascara, ninguém assume o lado falho, então eu preciso ser que nem todo mundo, aliás eu não posso mostrar a verdade, pois no passado, nas minhas entrevistas de emprego, eu havia dito que amo mudanças, desde então não posso mostrar minhas inseguranças, meus medos, pois todo mundo precisa ver que sou forte e uma mulher bem resolvida.

Anjo, eu estou com tanto medo, medos de todos os tipos, medo de abrir a caixa de pandora e com medo de muita coisa, medo de encontrar feridas não cicatrizadas, medo de perder, medo do novo, medo da não adaptação, medo de perceber que não amadureci, medo de me olhar no espelho e ver verdades, medo de tanta coisa...

Meu anjo, essa semana será decisiva, de escolher o dia e mês certo de voltar....a pergunta pertinente que vem na minha mente é: Eu preciso voltar? (meu eu criança perguntando)

Não posso ficar aqui nessa terra de fantasias? Não posso fazer a terra de fantasia uma terra de realidade?

Preciso voltar para que mesmo? Sim, preciso voltar, preciso trabalhar na minha área, juntar dinheiro, comprar uma casa, um carro, namorar, casar e ter filhos (meu outro eu falando, meu eu de querer ter coisa fixa).

Preciso voltar para que mesmo? Sim, preciso voltar, preciso trabalhar na minha área, juntar dinheiro, comprar uma casa, um carro, namorar, casar e ter filhos (meu outro eu falando, meu eu de querer ter coisa fixa).

Eu sou completamente apaixonada por esse país, anjo da guarda, me promete que no Brasil eu vou andar a pé para qualquer lugar? me promete que com 100 euros eu faça o supermercado do mês, me promete que vou ter minha guinness no final de semana, que posso viajar para a África ou Ásia naquele preço camarada? 
Me promete que eu consiga resolver meus problemas que aconteceram em Dublin, que eu consiga fechar a porta das mágoas e que eu volte com o coração limpo? Me promete que eu não sofra de saudades pela minha querida Dublin?

Anjo da guarda, estou com medo, segura na minha mão? Diga que tudo vai ficar bem? e que a saudade desse país passará, me promete que um dia eu retornarei para esse pais, pelo menos para visitar?

Você sabe se vende em alguma farmácia a pilula para curar os medos? Tem alguma receita para isso?

Quando eu saberei que você estará do meu lado, me guiando? Quando eu vou saber se aquela voz gritando na minha consciência, na minha mente é você falando comigo ou é uns dos meus eus gritando de medo. Quando saberei que é você que estará me guiando?

Por favor meu anjo, me guie, tire meus medos, me mostre o caminho... , eu já tentei conversar com meus 343534543 eus e eles não querem me dar o guia da vida! Anjo, cadê a chave da porta?

Zillions of years later!

Manu appears .... she is mother and has children.
Okay folks, this is not so, the children I cared, yes im married to the travel.
For a longe time i wrote nothing, in fact when i am going through a bad phase, you know those moths are fucking crazy and I retreat from the world. I am not talking about PMT, im talking about an existential crisis like everybody has, although some people deny it or give it another name.
Recently my cousin showed me the statistics of my blog, so I know the number of hits and their origin by week and by month.
But i know that you are reading it so you must post a line, im excited and ready to share my thoughts and bullshit...
Come to the point, what happened to me since the last post.
So many changes, so many things happened that i did not want to talk about, i was reluctant to share, but now i can translate in other words.
To understand a little better what im saying:
Who is Manu? An ass, certainly. Im not fishing for a compliment, i bear no malice to anyone, i believe all i hear, and always give of myself.
In the past i have said that i like to live with the glass empty or totally full, i have no limit in helping others.
It all sounds cliché, but it is quite true.
The word will not stop in my crises, helping others is good but i can not caring for myself and flexibility is always good, but when you end to something is bad, you must open a door to the new and to day the word NO to any opportunity you can prevent someting bad happening.
In the fantasy world of Manu, no one tries to fuck you up, actually people just after your money, selfish people... (my father - the sheriff- spent his life trying to teach me and when my back is to the wall i remember his advice. In my world, the cup was full or empty, but as time passed i realized that glass half full can be enough. The glass half full is not the end of the world and is closest to reality, you can drink it calmly.
Manu today, i think i have matured a bit, learned some things, and it was a very bitter medicine. In Dublin my tree goals: to learn English, to travel and to mature. The third item i believe is already having effects!
I was in Brazil and within that one month, i felt like a fish out of water. You know when you do not see yourself staying in that place, i still cant believe i spent years living in São Miguel, not belittling the neighborhood because it was the neighborhhod where i was raised an my best friends are there, i played football in the street, there is a busiest Sunday market and graceful, bu i dont see myself in that place.
What worries me most is that at 28 years, i still dont feel sure about where i want to live.
I also that after i visit these countries i will create more dreams to live out there is no end. Is it an escape?
I do not kno yet, maybe it will be something that im afraid of...
If it is that im running away from something at leats the running is good, you have no idea how good it is to meet new people, to look them in the eye, if i want to see the identity of someone it is in their eyes, you can get close and be surprised at what you see.
Many people ask me about my parents and i always say: my parents prepared me for life in this world. They were like Nomads as well. They moved a lot, im free to come and go as i wish. My love of them is constant. I doesnt matter where im living i know they love me.
Im here and going strong with your help...So, ADIOS, until my next outburst.

Happiness is to be sure of what you want?

The Last of the Mohicans...

Today I will talk about cycles, differences, separation, change ...
So, sit beside me and let's drink a good guinness.
No, I'm not on my period, I'm not sensitive about it. No, I did not use drugs and today is the day for listening to Radiohead :)
As I have multiple selves and as I am without scarf, without papers, without euro ... My philosophical ego begins to awaken and you must have patience to endure.
Today is a day of questions.
How do you know that the cycle has ended?
How to accept losses?
Do not know yet if i want to be a Nomad or have a fixed place.
Why these stupid questions?
The feeling is that I'm in the movie The Last of the Mohicans, it is strange, some people are in Dublin 3 months, others 6-1 year ...
Whoever comes here, meets people from around the world, Russian, Pakistani, Korean, Polish.
Ok, It would be more natural to feel pain for living far from my family, but to me it's different because I know my Father, my Mother, my brothers will be there in the same place and I have place to go back to, but friends and those of other countries, fantastic people, it is impossible, I can not go to Korea and come back, internet helps, but how can i hug my friends and talk face to face?
I can not stand Farewell Parties, about 5 friends remain, and those who remain are dating or married, and here I am trying to find myself (Is it Peter Pan syndrome? Not wanting to come back to reality?)
I still do not know, but just think back, makes me despair, knowing that I need to get that subway, Wonderful São Paulo, wake up, 5 in the morning and face a glorious journey of more than one hour on Saturday just to go to that pub . São Paulo is a beautiful city, but I do not want more stress.
I want to go citycenter on foot, if I usethe bus the my limit is 50 min, I want to sit in the chair in the places I visit, and I do not want to join the queue, I do my shopping, pay my bills and im well located in the region of São Paulo, I still can not do it alone, it is a very expensive life in São Paulo. I often think of living in another city in Brazil. but also I think, what is the advantage of living in Dublin, if my dear ones are gone? I could make new groups of friends, but you know... i do not have the enthusiasm of the first month, of the new curiosity i have no more. Dublin already is my little land, I do not know where to dig to discover new things.
I wonder when will be my time? Will I be willing to go back? I will have to go back to the battle of São Paulo?Do I really need to do this? Who do I need to show? Society? Can i not live from place to place be happy? Happiness is to be sure of what you want? 
How is my money? I'm skipping lunch to eat dinner ... lol I know I could get another job, but do not know if I'll have the patience to be aupair again. I still want to make my way to Ssantiago and to visit many countries, but I know that one of them i will have to cut from my route and this acceptance process is gradual.
Some points of this text maybe exaggerated, but that's me, I want to share and show to someone who has or has had the same doubts and never had the courage to expose yourself for fear of showing insecurity.


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